I feel like I was put on this earth to help others through their trouble, while I suffer in silence drowning in mine.

For people to find and nourish themselves, while I scrounge for crumbs, still searching for who I want to be, with no idea of who I am.

My body is present but my head is elsewhere, my heart hurts.

Being a mother is something I have always wanted but I feel as if I’m failing. My mind isn’t here.

I love my son so much, he is so smart.

I feel as if because of my work, it’s hard to continuously be on “GO”.

Always working as an employee, always working to be a mom, keep the house clean, take care of everyone, all while doing my best to hold on to what sliver of myself I’ve managed to keep, cling to, and refuse to let go.

I want someone to love ME.

To care about ME.

To do things they’d think I’d like because they thought about ME.

Reciprocate, communicate, FULLY love all of me for ME.

I’m starting to feel as if that will never happen for me.

My fear is being alone.

The feeling of loneliness occasionally goes away because someone will take interest in me and then disappear, leaving a new cut in my heart that I will cement over.

I don’t know how much more of that cement my heart can take.

My brain is saying ” not much more”. My heart cannot take any more of these tiny cuts that have to cement over. She’s almost fully cemented up.

I NEED PEACE.

WHERE DO I FIND IT?

HOW DO I FIND PEACE?

GOD PLEASE HELP. ME.

Today I cried. I stared off into the distance, and let the tears stream down my face, not because I was sad, or hurt, or angry, but becuase I know that I needed to cry.

Sometimes there are days where the only reasonable thing that you can do for yourself is to let out a few tears.

Shedding those tears feels weak, unexplainable, and different; but it also feels purifying after the flood of emotion settles. Every tear that comes from your eyes, is like a pound of sorrow and pain being lifted out of the compressed bottle of emotion, that’s been shoved into the bottom of your heart. After the tears subside and the clogging of your nose ends, you feel lighter although there may be a slight headache left behind.

Crying is purifying.

Do you ever have those days where you feel weird, and sad, for no good reason known to yourself at all?

Yeah, me too.

There are days where feeling good enough is so far out of reach, my thoughts trap me in a fog of depression.

There are days where I wake up from all of the overwhelming feelings I have bottled up from the week before, hoping I have enough money to pay the bills.

There are days where I’m tired from the depression I have fought off because, I know that the world is a better place with me in it, and I can not fall victim to my demons.

Some people say, “Pray about it”. Others say “meditate”, whatever your cup of solitude and groundedness is, don’t forget to cry. Sounds crazy to write down in a blog that people read, I think? But nonetheless, have you tried crying?

TODAY I CRIED.

The more I write this phrase down, the stronger I feel.

Men and women, girls and boys, crying is NOT weak. And if anyone tells you different they have not tried this purifying act themselves.

Remember, no matter how alone you feel, how tired you are, how bottled up you keep things, crying is something everyone does. People are there for you, even if it’s for you to vent and for them to listen. Maybe you can cry together. Just remember, the world is a better place with you in it.

“Be kind to everyone, for you have no idea what they are going through.”

Too many times in our lives, we jump to conclusions when it comes to other people. “They were an asshole”, or “Why is that person driving like a maniac”, when we have no idea what is going on in their lives. The person who’s being rude could have just lost someone they love, and they have no idea how to cope with the empty feeling inside. That person who is driving like a maniac could have gotten drastic news, or is late to work, and if they’re late again they get fired. Circumstances, perspective, and unknowing of someone’s situation, is like the domino effect. “Every reaction has an equal or opposite reaction” thank you Sir Isaac Newton.

Reacting is something that’s hard wired into people. Something could happen to you, or someone could say something that hurts your feelings, maybe it is what they intended maybe it isn’t. How you react changes the entire situation at hand. Over the years I, myself have learned to take a step back, take a deep breathe, and evaluate the situation. I am far from perfect in this technique, but when you look at where that other person is coming from, the reaction you give them when they speak out of anger, may only add gasoline to the fire. The reaction you give someone in general, changes the outcome, like in my other blog gives you an “alternate route.”

Taking that step back, helps preserve both parties, and maybe even a relationship, whether it be friendship, lovers, or family. More often than not, we as human beings, are reactive. Like a volcano, we’ll shove our feelings, no matter what they may be, deep down, so that we don’t offend anyone, but in reality, we only end up hurting ourselves. An emotional volcano deep down in the pit of our stomach, not knowing when it will erupt like word vomit out of our mouths. The smallest thing could happen, and that word lava flows out of our mouths with not the intention to hurt whomever was the final nail in the coffin, but to release the pressure of what we have bottle up over the days, weeks, and even possibly years.

When you release that pressure it finally feels so good, to feel free from the burden of swallowing your pride and emotions, to protect the person you love, but the reality is, you just released a concoction of hurt onto someone who may have not had anything to do with how you were feeling, and those words you cannot take back once they escape from that steel trap called your mind.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but, words will leave scars you can’t see forever.

There have been words said to everyone that hurts to the core, words that resonate with you, and that you remember even when you wish you could forget. Trauma not only is physical, trauma is mental, and more times than not, mental trauma stays forever.

The cause might not be worth the effect. Take a breathe, calm yourself, gather your thoughts, and then learn how to react accordingly, because the words you say remain out in the world, whether you hear them or not.

Sometimes plans don’t always go the way that you set out for them to go.

” Anything you need to do, anything you want to do, you CAN do.” Queen Latifah said these inspirational words in a movie titled “Just Wright” starring her and co-star, rapper Common. The seasons in people’s lives, are tough, and they vary depending on whom the person is. These words personally resonated with me, in such ways that literally brought tears to my eyes. The mind is a very powerful place.

Believe and achieve.

Although people feel trapped, and like they are prisoners in the world, they are only limited by the walls of their minds. Feelings of aloneness, depression, self-pity; wanting to scream at the top of your lungs because you have no other outlet than to literally let it all out. Keeping all of your feelings and hurt bottled up is so emotionally draining, so why not let it out? Watching and relating to this movie made me realize that, yes, good things come to those who wait, but damn it sure does hurt to wait.

Queen Latifah has personally inspired me by many of her rolls as an actress in the world of film. Watching her, no matter what persona she plays, inspires me to be better. Those words she spoke, “anything you want to do, anything you need to do, you CAN do.” They hit me just right, right where I needed and need to be hit, to pull myself out of a rut, out of a depression, out of self-pity. Out of hating the person I am.

But I know, I am strong and smart, and so are you. We can do ANYTHING that we put our minds to, because you know what. Only YOU have the power to change your life, to change how you view things. TO BE BETTER THAN YOU WERE YESTERDAY.

Living in the present is something that many people and myself struggle with and take for granted. Always worrying about what will happen next week or tomorrow, rather than living in the moment and soaking it all in. Many people live with continuous anger, and damn that’s exhausting. Why you gotta be angry all of the time, why say, “why me?” Why not take what has happened to you, or your family as an opportunity, a learning lesson. Yeah, you know shit happens, but you are in control of your own emotions, and you can choose to either wallow, or to grow.

In life, we tend to settle for things that we do not truly want. There are set backs, alternate routes, and trials that we go through to see if we can always have sight of what we want. But it always seems to be right out of arms reach. Everyone has their own troubles when it comes to achieving their goals, and more times than not, those people settle. What does it take to keep going?

To continue forward through whatever obstacles stand in your way takes guts, and other times you just followed a different path. We settle, but in our hearts that is truly meant for us to be where we are. Life has no instruction guide, no checklist, and it sure as hell is not written in a book where we can skip to the end. We as people get to go into everyday not knowing what will happen the next minute, second, or day from now. Let alone a year. People use other people to get what they want, or to get ahead. You can’t blame them, they’re just playing the game. And for those of you whom have been personally victimized by this, I feel for you, because we’ve all been there. The uncertainty of life, different paths, and roads that we have travelled on to get to where we are, they shape us to be ready for those turns and bumps that come out of nowhere. We are prepared for heartbreak and pain, but we are not ready for the unexpectedness of getting out heart broken. That’s why it hurts so bad, or when you realize that what you thought you wanted was not what you needed. Needing and wanting something, are two very different things. YOU DO NOT NEED A UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. (It’s in all caps so the people in the back can hear me. )

You get to choose who is in your life and who is not. If that person hurts your feelings they hurt them no matter how someone tells you how to feel. Everyday is a new journey, you just learn how to navigate better.

Being comfortable in your own skin is one thing, being comfortable around people, well that in itself is a whole nother monster… Most people are not comfortable with either one. Looking in the mirror, you can never look pretty enough or thin enough. Not only are you yourself criticizing you, but subliminal messages from the internet and social media continue to lodge this thought of ” Pretty” or “Handsome” in your head. I do not care who you are, but we have all been personally victimized by insecurities. No one sees what we see. They can say ” You look great, you are perfect.” But in our eyes, unfortunately we do not see the same thing. Why is this? Hell if you figure it out, let me know. It sucks. Feeling like you are never enough, being loved by people, but feeling out of place still. This conception we have, is ruining us.

Life begins with two  single cells. When those cells meet, they form this beautiful life. A life that is supposed to be protected, loved and nourished. A life that is supposed to grow, and continued to be loved through all controversy and pain. Through the disappointment and mistakes.  And then one day she woke up from this alternate universe and she realized that through her real eyes, and the cellophane that family was distorted, and only a figment of her imagination. Family is not forever, nor is it the one that you were born unto. Family is not blood, nor is it  looking like these people whom helped give you life. Family is a feeling. Family is people who are there for you no matter what time of night it may be. Family is who you choose for yourself. Not all blood is family, and not all family is blood. This journey this girl is trudging through will take effect on this person as a whole. Submerge yourself into a life of turmoil and trauma. 

It’s like reading a book and creating this world in your head, and then you go and watch the new movie that came out, and it totally misconstrues what you have imagined. That is the idea of love. Love is not what you think all of the time. Love hurts, love is forgiving, sometimes. There are conditions to love and unconditional love. Which one is radiating through your life? Are you being loved no matter what happens,  or are you living your life through conditional love. Conditional love; where you have to do something to get something in return. A give and take type of love. What does it mean when someone says that they love you? Has your heart ever hurt so bad that you don’t know what to do but cry, for no good reason at all, just that overwhelming feeling you have building up in your gut. What has this world come to? What have you seen that you can’t open your eyes, or mind to what life truly is? Need it be a near death experience, or some simple  one. Why must life be so hard? Why can’t everything be fucking handed to you like other people? Why can’t everyone struggle and see what it’s like to have nothing, or so little? 

But have you ever looked at foreign countries kids who have no shoes. Who played in the dirt all the time, but were simply happy with their lives. Social media didn’t play a role because they have no internet/ social media. Where spending time with family, and your parents being together was normal. Two worlds collide and the differences begin to arise. But love. Love is there between these two worlds. Everyone has their own idea of love. SO what is love to you? What is trust? Can you explain what is going on in your own depiction and description of love? What is religion, and is it learned from what is passed down to you  or is it your own realization of what you want to believe? Believing in miracles. This is all your own personal choice, you can be told to believe for so long, and then one day you choose to believe it or not. So what do you choose below please put your own answer, for your own understanding. This is for you. No one else. Holding our hand when you need it the most. What does that mean? As referred to above, you choose your family just like you choose what to believe, what to eat, and if you want to live and love, or be lost and swallowed up into sorrow.

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

• Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
• Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

• Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
• What topics do you think you’ll write about?
• Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
• If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.