Feel

I feel like I was put on this earth to help others through their trouble, while I suffer in silence drowning in mine.

For people to find and nourish themselves, while I scrounge for crumbs, still searching for who I want to be, with no idea of who I am.

My body is present but my head is elsewhere, my heart hurts.

Being a mother is something I have always wanted but I feel as if I’m failing. My mind isn’t here.

I love my son so much, he is so smart.

I feel as if because of my work, it’s hard to continuously be on “GO”.

Always working as an employee, always working to be a mom, keep the house clean, take care of everyone, all while doing my best to hold on to what sliver of myself I’ve managed to keep, cling to, and refuse to let go.

I want someone to love ME.

To care about ME.

To do things they’d think I’d like because they thought about ME.

Reciprocate, communicate, FULLY love all of me for ME.

I’m starting to feel as if that will never happen for me.

My fear is being alone.

The feeling of loneliness occasionally goes away because someone will take interest in me and then disappear, leaving a new cut in my heart that I will cement over.

I don’t know how much more of that cement my heart can take.

My brain is saying ” not much more”. My heart cannot take any more of these tiny cuts that have to cement over. She’s almost fully cemented up.

I NEED PEACE.

WHERE DO I FIND IT?

HOW DO I FIND PEACE?

GOD PLEASE HELP. ME.